Fiery Darts

Sometimes it is so difficult to understand life.  You know, I want to be a person whom God can use and minister to others through.  But then, the times that I feel He may have used me, I feel as though I am fooling myself and being prideful, which makes me want to pull back.  Besides all this, there is the fear that perhaps that I am ministering untruth because after all, what do I know about anything?

Perhaps this has to do with some of those "fiery darts" of the enemy that are shot at us from time to time.

I really, truly do not know what is going on in my heart.  It is so difficult to know whether I am being honest and forthright, or just deluding myself in some way, trying to be someone I am not.

All I can do is continue to turn to God, put it all at His feet and do my best to follow and obey.  But I can also try to figure out how to wield this thing called "the Shield of Faith."  It is awfully big and heavy to lift.  Those fiery darts come in so fast and furious.  On top of all that, I am not at all watchful and prepared for his attacks.

So, I have a choice:  Retreat once more in to my self-imposed isolation where I don't have to face the judgments (or PERCEIVED judgments) of others -- not to mention my own agonizing self-judgment.  Or, continue to seek the Lord, and to follow Him as best I can, realizing and accepting that I will make mistakes.  And trusting that if I am a useless or unfitting tool, the Master will set me aside or fix me as He sees fit.

Lord, I lay it all at Your feet.  I am willing to be used if You have use for me.  But, You know the doubts, fears, and self-condemnation that assail me.  I simply ask You to lead me and guide me in to way You want me to go, either solitary or in relationship with others.  Have mercy on me when I fall flat on my face, please help me to get up again and continue to follow where You lead.