Hmmmmm!

Something new is going on, not sure what to make of it. Hmmmm.

For those of you who don't know, I love to sing. I tend to be a little shy about it, and I wouldn't say I am a good singer. However, from kindergarten, I have been told over and over by others (friends and even strangers) that I have a beautiful voice/a beautiful singing voice.

I have been part of church choirs, praise bands, and worship teams, as well as a church soloist in the past. I love singing because it is one more way for me to communicate the love of God and my love for Him.

Since we moved to AZ, I have tried a couple of times to get involved in the music ministry at church. The two music ministers we have had both showed no interest whatsoever. After a while, I kind of figured that God was finished with that area of gifting in my life. I am getting older, and I do not look like what you'd normally expect to see. So, I just let it go.

Interestingly, out of the blue several months ago some friends were over and I was sitting with Olivia (baby granddaughter) and my good friend, Helen. Olivia had a toy that would sing a phrase, and I really liked the sound of it, so I repeated the phrase after the toy. My friend stopped and told me that I have a beautiful voice and have I ever done any singing. So I told her of my history.

Somehow it got to the point that she asked me to sing something for them. How embarrassing!!! It is so scary to sing for a small group like that! Much less frightening to sing in front of a large group. Anyway, I got one of the song accompaniment trax that I have, "El Shadai" and sang for them. As it turned out that particular song has a very special meaning for them. So, that was it.

Interestingly, this week, Helen and I with several other friends spent Friday night watching some of my videos of Jordan/Jerusalem. While we were there, Helen brought up my singing and asked me to sing. I started to sing "El Shadai" a'Capella, but forgot the words halfway through since it had been so long since I had really practiced it.

The next day was our Alpha Course weekend, where Nieva, another friend who had been at the event the night before, asked me to sing for the group. Now, I have to tell you that this small group of my friends are so dear to me that it is very difficult for me to disappoint or refuse them. So, I called my son and asked him to bring my disc over. I did sing the song for the group, again forgetting the words. There wasn't much reaction, so maybe I was too nervous. Or, maybe they were embarrassed by the performance.

Anyway, haven't thought overly much about it, other than thanking God for the love and encouragement of my sweet friends. This morning I read the following:

Arise and shine for your light has come
Don't sit in darkness and moan
For the Lord your God has come to rescue you
I have need of you and the talents and gifts I have given to you.
Claudia Mondesire

This word just really hit me after this weekend's events. Anyway, all I will say is: Hmmmmmmm?

Love,
Ev

There and back again . . .

Hi!

We've started something new for us in our family, family meetings. Once (sometimes twice) a week, we all sit down to a time of open communication and discussion. Wow! For me, this has been so BIG. I tend to be a bit (ha!) passive aggressive in dealing with inter-personal issues, which means rather than talking about things, I stuff them down and become depressed, angry, sad, and isolated. Yeah! Great way to become crazy and to make all those around you crazy as well.

I have found that our family meetings have helped me to open up and share the things that bother me and to share my feelings. It also has given others the opportunity to share their feelings and their heart with me. I cannot tell you how much this has meant and what a difference it has made in our family! I think the thing you find out is that the other person was not trying to hurt you or treat you badly, they were operating from one perspective with no idea what your perspective might be. Amazing!

I was so disappointed when I found that I could not move out when I planned to, but now I am SO VERY GRATEFUL that I didn't. Staying has given me and my family the opportunity to get to really know and understand one another better than we ever did, including my son and I. I feel that my love and appreciation for my family is growing day by day and deepening as I learn to know them for who they truly are rather than for the image/perception I have had of them. I am beginning to see depths I did not realize were there.

Two things I specifically want to mention that have really touched me. My granddaughter, Gabi, I have come to recognize as such a mature, beautiful spirit. I mean, I knew she was special, but I have come to appreciate her wisdom, loving spirit, and compassion so much more than I comprehended previously.

The second is my son, Amir. As I watch him dealing with a household of three women (sometimes emotional), I see in him a love and strength and wisdom I did not realize he possessed. He sometimes surprises me with his ability to understand and speak into a situation with respect and love for each of us. And let me tell you, for a man to be able to balance his love for his mom and his wife and his daughter in emotional situations, that is such a BIG THING! A truly remarkable man!

Yes, I just have to say that I am learning to love and appreciate my family so much more than I am ashamed to say I did. I am just so glad that God decided that I needed to stay much more than I needed to go. I guess He does always know what is the best for us.

Love,
Ev

The times (of my life) they are a-changing!

OK, it is "official"! I am moving out! As many of you probably know, I moved to Arizona three years ago with my oldest son, his family, and my youngest son, a total of 6 humans and one little dog. We have all shared one big house as the two new babies were added to our "tribe" until a month or so ago when my youngest son moved out.

Throughout my life, I have never lived alone. After high school, I got married and moved from my parents' home into my ex-husband's apartment. For a part of my marriage, we lived with his family in Amman, Jordan, which was a wonderful experience that prepared me to live with my son and his family. After my divorce, I lived with at least one of my sons. Now it seems that it is time to step out on my own. The thing that comes to mind is the old show "That Girl" from the 60's with Marlo Thomas or "The Mary Tyler Show." I feel as though I am stepping out into a new experience as an single adult woman, an individual, perhaps it is long overdue.

So, it is with a mixture of nerves and excitement that I begin looking for an apartment. (Anybody know of any in the area??) Wow! My very own place, just me and Piper! How exciting! And I hope it doesn't sound selfish, but it will be so nice to just worry about myself for a change. Not that anyone has wanted me to be worried about them, or that anyone has needed me to take care of them for a LONG time. But my nature has been to feel that I need to be there to protect my sons and Amir's family, trying to make everything easier for them. (It could be argued that rather than making things easier, I have only made them more difficult.) Anyway, it is time to entrust their futures to God and to their own choices. And it is time to focus on my future, on my walk with God and His purposes for my life. Whew, it is a little scary. No more hiding behind the needs of others, I have to step out and step up and set my heart on my own future.

So, I ask for your prayers that I can find just the right place that I will LOVE!! I need a place I can afford, but I so long for one that gives me space for study and writing, as well as a place for all my books. I do need a place that will accept my little Piper, and I would SO LOVE a 1st floor place, where I can take her right out side without having to go up and down stairs. Although, my health could probably do with some stairs. I also want to have a washer/dryer in the apartment so I don't have to go out to do laundry. I also need prayers for furniture. Right now I only have bedroom furniture and bookshelves. Everything else was left behind in IL when I moved out to AZ. I would love to find some great garage-sale bargains and eclectic items to surround myself with. I'm not a great decorator, so some items that would give me inspiration would help.

I can't tell you how excited I am and at the same time, how nervous. But I believe that God has some new things to do in my life, and I am so looking forward to what He has planned for me. Again, asking for lots of prayers!

Love,
Ev

Responses to "Boys"

I received a couple of responses to this post that I wanted to share with you because they made a difference in my thoughts and my heart regarding my son. They moved me to talk with him in a way I haven't talked to him in quite a while. Thank you so much Dawn and Ginger for your thoughts and wisdom.

From Dawn:

Ev…what a son cannot share outright with his mom, he shares deep inside his heart. I know this for a fact because I have a brother and my mom felt the same way you did. I wasn't until my mom was suffering with lung cancer that the true "son" came out…my brother led my mom to her eternal home with Jesus Christ and we were all a witness to it. He was a master of ceremonies, so to speak! That's when I truly saw the love my brother had for my mom and the tenderness that he couldn't share with her while she was with us…that tenderness and love that was deep within his heart is what enabled my mom to go safely "home." Don't feel sad…feel glad that God gave you those sons for a special reason, in a due season! Love and blessings to you…

From Ginger:

Because you are a mature, beautifully souled, wise, woman of God with many talents and gifts I am going to speak to you very honestly because I love you so much. " Faithful are the wounds of a friend " the bible says, right? Reread the first paragraph of your letter. It was God's Spirit speaking through you and right on truth. Reread the second paragraph. The saying you quoted is what the world says perhaps but is it what the Word says? Jesus said He (and we) should make no disinction between Jew or Gentile or male or female and are all equally loved by God. Because we have God's indwelling Holy Spirit neither should we. Who do you think is speaking to you these lies which sadden and depress you? Not God - Who is able to do all things concerning love and godliness in our lives.
I have had five sons and one son in law, soon to be two grandsons, and two wonderful daughters, two daughters in law and two granddaughters. I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is no difference - They ALL really want you to hold them and tell them you love them. It is ALWAYS a mothers place, duty, and privelege to do these things.They DO want to talk to you, be comforted, encouraged, and touched. Wives and mothers are not competing or taking the place of one another but sharing in the sons love in unique and different but important ways.
Some daughters ( like some sons) might apperar to not want comfort, love, or touch but ALL normal humans are initially made by the Lord to need, seek, and desire fullfillment of these needs.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and wisdom, I have already taken them to heart and acted on them.

Love,
Ev

Boys!

You know, for a long time (since I was blessed with 3 sons) I have thought that sons were the best. I was so happy that I had 3 boys instead of girls. I mean don't take this the wrong way if you have beautiful, wonderful daughters. I just felt that boys were much easier to raise, especially for someone of my temperament. Boys seem to have much less drama in their lives, and I don't do drama well.

But tonight I am sitting here feeling a little sad for having sons. The saying goes, "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life." And it suddenly hit me tonight how true that statement is. Sometimes you see a son going through something tough and you just ACHE to hold them and to tell them you love them and that it will be all right, but you just know that it isn't your place any more. They don't want to talk to you about it, they don't want you to comfort them or encourage them or even to touch them. They go to their wives for that.

And suddenly I realize that if it was my daughter, she would still come to me. She would still share her heart with me. I would still have a place in her life.

So, I guess the drama is not such a bad thing when you consider that you will still have a piece of their hearts later on. Sometimes it is so hard to be the mom of adult sons.

Love,
Ev

Thank You, God! I am so blessed!!!

I just returned from visiting my amazing and godly friend, Sarina. And last night I was able to attend our weekly prayer gathering with so many of my other amazing and godly friends. And I am so reminded of how gloriously God has blessed me with the people in my life!

I look through my life and see so many godly and loving men and women who have blessed me, encouraged me, instructed me, and loved me. All I can do is thank God for His goodness, and say to all my glorious, wonderful friends, I love you!!!

My vacation - Episode 2

OK, finally getting back to writing about my trip to Jordan. I left off with my preparations to leave.

Leith took me to the airport Saturday morning and I caught the flight to Chicago. The flight was jam-packed, but I had a good seat in the last row on the aisle, so it wasn't too uncomfortable. The flight was delayed into Chicago due to bad weather over Chicago, and I started getting worried about missing my flight to Amman. If you hadn't heard, Eyad was supposed to be on the flight with me, but the airline rescheduled him, so I would be traveling alone from Chicago to Amman.

Our flight to Chicago finally landed at about 7:00 pm, and the flight to Amman was supposed to leave at 9:00 pm. I was really worried about getting my bags and getting over to the international terminal in time. As I got off the plane, I was praying that I would find an abandoned cart to help me move more quickly through the airport. Getting off the plane, I immediately spied a cart off by itself, and I grabbed it! Thank You, God!!! (By the way, if you do any flying, be sure to have a credit card with you. I didn't think I would need it, so I left mine at home for my son to use in emergency. You need it for just about everything!!! Checking your bags and renting a cart! DOH!!!)

I rushed down and finally got my bags, then ran like crazy to take the tram to the international terminal. Luckily, the check-in desk is right inside the terminal, and I made it with a little time to spare. My son, Eyad, was so good to me the entire trip, and he really went out of his way to get me bumped up to first class on the international flight. They even sent me on to the VIP lounge to wait for boarding of my flight. Have you ever been in the VIP lounge?? They have all kinds of snacks available, alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, coffee, tea, just about everything! The seats are MUCH more comfortable than the regular seats at the gates! What a treat it was!

First class on the plane was amazing! It has been a long time since I have flown internationally (18 years to be exact), and things have changed so much. We were barely seated on the plane when the flight attendants came around with drinks, hot towels, and a little flight kit (sleep mask, socks, and ear plugs). The chairs are amazing, and recline totally into a bed. And each seat has its own personal screen, so you can watch the movie, or choose from several other channels of programs! It was amazing!

It wasn't long after take off, that they brought our dinner trays. The trays had rolls, salad, desert, and something I didn't recognize. I thought, "great dinner," so much better than I remember coach meals. So I ate it, and it was delicious. However, I was surprised, because they came back with entrees, a choice of lamb, catfish, pasta, or chicken. The chicken was marvelous!

Breakfast in the morning was also superb. We received a tray, and then they came around with a cart of omelets, sausages, mushrooms, potatoes, croissants, and rolls. It was so good.

The other neat thing about the flight was that before and after the movies, they showed our flight progress on the screen. It was really cool to see where we were and what we were flying over. BTW, they showed two movies, the first was Sherlock Holmes and then they showed an Arabic movie.

Going through the airport in Amman was miserable after so many hours of flying. In the terminal, I got in the line for foreigners, which took a half hour or so. When I got up there, the guy told me I was in the wrong line, I needed to get in the line for those without a visa. So, I got in that line, but after waiting a while, noticed a sign that said I needed Jordanian money to pay for the airport taxes. So, I had to get out of line, go to the money changer to exchange some money. By the time I got back into the right line, I had a good hour wait to go through check in.

Thankfully, after going through the lines, I found Eyad waiting with my bags! We were ready to go! The drive into the city was quite a bit different than I remember it. There is so much development going on there, things are so different than they were when I was last there!

But you know, when we got to the house, it was like I was coming home. We are all a little older, but otherwise, it was so good to be back with them, to see them all again! They are the most welcoming and wonderful family!

The building is 5 stories high with a garage under the first floor. When I lived there, my family lived on the first floor, which is now rented out to a pharmaceutical company. My mother-in-law,Sameha; her sister-in-law, Saleema; and my sister-in-law, Fadia, live on the second floor with a live in helper, Selwa. The third floor is occupied by my brother- and sister-in-law, Mohammed and Haiffa, with their two sons, Hamze and Youssef, who have just completed university. I stayed with them while I was there. The fourth floor is currently rented out to a doctor; and my son, Eyad, rents the fifth floor apartment. It is a wonderful way to live, all the family together, and yet, with privacy.

The house hasn't changed much, very beautiful and stylish (they are much better at decorating than I have ever been). However, they have installed air conditioning, mostly in the living room. They are room-type units rather than central units. But I am sure that they make things much more comfortable during the summer. I should mention that the buildings are made from cement block faced with decorative stone outside and plastered within. The neat thing about this building structure is that it does moderate the heat somewhat in the summer.

Well, that's about all I have time for right now. Next message will have more about the actual vacation time, I promise.

Love,
Ev

Something Different!

OK, I did something very . . . ummmm, different. Last night I went out to a singles' dance. A new acquaintance told me about a group called "Calculated Couples" that they participated in and they thought I might enjoy it. I was pretty excited about it, and even went out an got a couple of new dresses as my wardrobe is bordering on the shabby.

Well, I went last night and, boy, all the memories of past efforts at the singles' scene came rushing back to me. "What was I thinking," went through my mind more than once.

As usual, the group was heavily lopsided with way more women than men. And, maybe it was just my imagination, but there was an atmosphere of anxiety in the room.

I was a little (more than a little) disappointed that no one asked me to dance, although the women around me were approached numerous times. Started feeling, "What is wrong with me?" Well, I know that I am overweight, which I know feeds my insecurities big time. But I am by no means hideous. But I have realized the past few years that I project something that is un-attractive (that does not attract the opposite sex). Not quite sure what it is, but I know that I have it.

Well, actually, I do have a clue. There was one time when I actually did attract the attention of a guy I met at a wedding. And, I believe the reason I did was because when we first met, I was totally uninterested in him and was not trying to attract him. So, I am thinking that the problem is that guys can tell when you are anxious or insecure, and it is a turn off.

You probably know that I have been divorced for about 14 years now. Since that time, I vacillate between "Oh, God, I am so lonely, and I really long to experience true love in my life just once before I die," and "Lord, I guess it is not your will for me to find anyone for companionship and support. Perhaps you want me to rely only on You. I am content with that, Lord."

I guess the truth is, I am somewhat content with my life, and I could finish out my life without a "relationship" if that is God's will. And, I can recognize the benefits of the single-life. When I was married, I struggled so much with being faithful to God and yet also giving my time and attention to my husband. As Paul said,

He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please [his] wife. 1 Cor 7:32-33

But now and again, the longing comes over me for that intimate relationship with whom I have truly become "one flesh," with one who loves and respects and encourages me at the most personal levels, and whom I can respect and support and love. Having been married for 23 years, I never really experienced that. (And I know that many married women never experience that.) Yet, that is the longing.

I guess I need to spend some time with the Lord and find out once and for all what it is He really wants for me. Haven't really asked Him. Could I be avoiding asking Him because I don't want to know, or am afraid of what He will say? Hmmm. I don't think so. But you know, the truth is, it is always so much easier to just go about doing what I want to do rather than taking the time and the risk of sitting down with God to find out what He has to say.

So, I guess that is my answer. And if I remember and if I have the time to write about it, I'll let you know what God has to say.

In my flesh, my idea is to go at least once or twice more, with the idea of discovering that place inside of me that is so un-attractive and to deal with it. To overcome that insecurity and that form of desperation that rears its head every now and then. And, to finally let go of the longing and the indecision.

Ev

Preparing for my trip to Jordan

OK, as I said, it is about time that I tell you about my trip to Jordan. I’ve probably told some of you how awesome it was, but as I wrote a particular journal of my trip, I am going to use it to take you through the trip with me. I’ll also try to add some of the pictures we took.

For me, my vacation actually began about a week earlier. I was so excited because my sweet friends Helen and John invited me over for dinner at their home. Helen and John seem to always express God’s heart to me, and they are so encouraging and loving. When I find myself in the pits, they seem to know just the right things to say and do to draw me out. Don’t you love folks like that in your life!!!

Anyway, I was SO looking forward to a nice dinner with them. I arrived and rang the bell, and Helen appeared at the door, telling me that she had forgotten to tell me . . . that it was a surprise Bon Voyage party!!! I think I was stunned for a good 5 to 10 minutes! A small group of some of my favorite women had gathered to wish me Bon Voyage! How cool is that?

It was exactly the kind of party I love: food, sharing, singing, and prayer! I felt so LOVED! It was just the right size, not too many people, very relaxed and warm. Helen is such a wonderful hostess. She is very creative and the decorations were amazing.

After dinner, PRESENTS!! Each thing was so wonderfully thoughtful, and just what I needed for my trip!! How overwhelming and thoughtful!!! It was the most amazing beginning for my trip!

As I was getting ready to leave, the next week was so bitter-sweet. Leaving one part of my family behind to visit another part is never easy. In the week before, Alex said, “I love you, Grandma.” And I realized how much I am going to miss everyone.

I ordered a couple of books to take with me to read on my vacation. One of the books, Eleventh Guest, by Bodie and Brock Thoene was the selected book for the book club I am a part of. But I also bought a second book by these authors as their books are historical fictions dealing primarily with Jerusalem and Israel. I love the history of Israel and Jerusalem and the Jews, especially as it relates to my Christian heritage. So, I thought the second book would be a good read.

Friday, April 23rd, I packed my suitcases. It was such a crazy day trying to get packed and last minute things done. My head finally hit the pillow probably around midnight, but then I kept waking up all night dreaming that I was late for my flight. But I think, too, that sleeping without my CPAP (breathing apparatus for sleep apnea) was contributed to my poor sleep. Thank God, I woke up on time the next morning to get on the road to the airport. I made my flight in plenty of time.

Well, I didn’t actually get to the trip, but that will be for next time.

Ev

Catching Up!

OK, so it has been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I am not sure why I am having such a problem with writing. I have had things I’ve wanted to share, but just have not been able to get anything onto paper, so to speak. So, as I am working this morning and waiting for SQL scripts to run, I decided to just start writing, about anything. So, I hope you will excuse me if this is rambling or a little disjointed ‘cause I’m not sure what I am writing about or where I am going with this.

So, what is going on in my life at the moment? Well, to give you fair warning, I am in depression again, which is weird because I have been doing the things I should. I am guessing that a big part of this is due to my return from vacation and the high one always gets when you are away from responsibilities, problems, and work.

But, I know that I have also been affected by my youngest son, Leith, moving out of our house. Leith is a young MAN of 25, and I know it is time for him to step out on his own. He has a great job, with excellent opportunities, and it is time for him to be responsible for himself. I am so happy for him, I really am. But it is hard for me to let him go. As I said, he is the youngest, and he has always lived with me. My oldest son is married, and my second son is living in the middle east, so very far away. Leith was the one I was holding onto for companionship and emotional support. (Selfish, I know.) So, I know that this is also affecting me.

There are some other things that are troublesome right now, but they affect other family members and I don’t feel comfortable sharing them.

And then there is my connection with the body of Christ. We have hit the summer, time when things wind down because so many people are going here and there for vacations and day trips. Our Experiencing God study is over and the I Saw the Lord study is over, so I feel disconnected on that end as well. Hmmmm. Feeling pretty sorry for myself; well, not really. It isn’t so much that I feel sorry for myself as I just feel blahhh.

Anyway, enough about that. Let see, what else can I focus on?????? Hmmmmmm. What are some of the things that are rattling around in the back of my head? Things I am thinking about, but at an unconscious level. (Wow, sounds interesting, doesn’t it? Feel free to move on to something else in your inbox.)

Read some interesting fiction books lately, both by Bodie and Brock Thoene. I read one for a group I am part of, Lit ‘n Lattes, which is part of our women’s ministry. I had seen books by the Thoenes, but never really thought to read them because I am not usually interested in fiction books. However, as I said, Eleventh Guest (A. D. Chronicles), was the book chosen by our book club, so I took it and a second book, Jerusalem Vigil The Zion Legacy: Book One, on vacation with me.

It was so interesting because as I understand it, these writers tend to focus their books around Jerusalem and Israel. And I started the second book just before we went to Jerusalem, which was so cool because the book deals with events in the Old City, which is where we spent most of our time. The book really gave me a good feel for the events of the story.

I also saw a really good movie called O, Jerusalem. This was about two men who met and became friends in the US following WWII, one is Jewish and the other is Arab. Both of them are drawn into the conflict surrounding the creation of the state of Israel. The neat thing is that their friendship endures even as they fight on opposite sides and each one loses loved ones.

That reminds me, I do so need to share an account of my trip. I’ll try to do that tomorrow, or at least start it. By the way, I really do recommend the books and the movie mentioned above. I think that the further we go along, the more important Jerusalem is going to become for all our lives. God has chosen that city out of all the world, out of all the universe, to put His name upon it. There is no place like it!!!

Love,
Ev

New Blog started for Bible Study

Hi, again! OK, as I just published the introductory study for the Book of Revelation, I realized that I wasn't happy with having it here in my regular blog. I hate the idea of a continuing study thread to be intermixed with the other day to day stuff. Therefore, I copied it and started a new blog that will be specifically for Bible Study. I will start out with my study of Revelation, and if I ever finish it, I will go on from there. But, I did want to let you know that I will not be posting the remainder of the study here. You can find the study at: http://ev-study.blogspot.com/

Sorry if this is confusing.

Anyway,
Ev

Depression - A State of Mind

Dearest Friends:

I want to apologize to many of you who responded to my previous email. I intended to write back to you thanking you for your concern and letting you know that I am perhaps not as badly off as I may have led you to believe. However, I seem to be having such a difficult time writing or even talking about this place I am in at the moment, so much so that I have been putting off my responses hoping things would improve.

This is so difficult to write or talk about, so forgive me if this comes off disjointed (I keep deleting and rewriting sentences). Again, thank you all so much for your loving concern and your encouragement in response to that email. You bless me more than you will ever know.

So, where am I? I have been asking myself the same question. I am better. The sadness, anxiety, and trouble focusing have lifted. I am able to cope with my day to day life again. But I am not where I would hope to be. It is rather like being dissociated a little from the normal ups and downs of life. I am no longer sad or anxious, but neither am I happy and interested in life. Even the most exciting events seem like a lot of work. The passion of my life has become uninteresting or just too much bother, and curling up with my covers pulled up over my head seems much more appealing.

I am OK though, so you do not have to worry about me.

I wrote the above about 3 days ago and saved it as a draft because I got busy with work AND because it was so hard to write or to even know what I wanted to say.

For the past couple of days I have been feeling a bit better, so I thank God. I read something that I think helped a little, I found it in my "Mini-Me Journal." I had it written down, but I cannot remember if it was a quote or if it was something that God had impressed on me directly at the time.

When it feels as though God has gone or is hiding, think of Him as standing just behind you, just out of sight, ready to catch you, teaching you to trust that He will always be there for you.

I tend to think it is something that I wrote down at some point because it is such a run-on sentence. LOL! It is so easy when you are not hearing God's voice (whether it is that He isn't speaking or that you aren't listening) to feel as though you are on your own. It is NEVER true. When you are His child, He is always right there with you, always ready to catch you and to bless you.

I have also been helped by the study we are doing on Wednesday nights, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. He gives some good direction for when you are in a time of God's silence:

• Pray through a sin checklist (in other words, examine your heart for any unconfessed sin). Confess and repent, making things right.
• Continue doing the last thing God told you, as well as the things you know to do. (reading/studying the Bible, prayer, fellowship with other believers, etc.).
• Go back to God believing that He will let you know what is happening when and if you need to know. In other words, Ask Him and trust Him.
• Put away discouragement, guilt, and self-pity.
• Adjust your life to an attitude of hopeful expectation, faith and trust. Expectation that God is doing something deep in your life.

So, as I said, I am feeling a bit better. Again, I am so sorry for not responding sooner to everyone. It is such a difficult place to be, so hard to communicate and reach out to others. So difficult to even get your thoughts straight or to know what you are thinking/feeling. I love you all and thank you all so much for your prayers, your concern, your encouragement, and your love!!

Love,
Ev