I am getting old!

Wait, wait!!  I am not getting old, I am old, 62-years-old as of last week!  YAY!

I don't mind so much getting old.  Life slows down.  No children to chase, cook for, clean up after.  And because I work from home, I have a VERY laid-back lifestyle.  It's good, especially since I am having some health issues right now.

I don't consider them serious.  My ever-present back ache caused by arthritis has been with me for some time now.  And I have sleep apnea, which has been under control with my cpap.  However, I have had this machine for quite a long time and either the machine is not working as it should or my condition has worsened.  UGH!  Can I just say, I am exhausted!  I sleep, I sleep alot.  But I think I am more active and work harder in my dreams than I do when I am awake.  And oh, my goodness, my dreams are like detailed novels.  (That was what finally made me realize that I am not sleeping well.)

A new problem has also popped up.  I believe it is tendonitis in my ankles.  I had x-rays yesterday, so just waiting to find out if that is what it is or not.  But it is quite painful.  Going through lots of ice.

Yep, I am definitely getting old.  This old house has seen better days.  And I know, I have not been the best tenant.  But I have such a wonderful life.  God has blessed and protected me in so very many ways, despite the fact that I have been careless and done so many stupid things in my life.  And He has surrounded me all through my life with such wonderful and amazing folks, from my family and friends to the people I have met in the day to day.

So, despite the fact that I am old and things are starting to run down, wear out, and just HURT, I am happy and content.  God is good.  And the best thing of all, the cream on top of everything, is that I can never remember a day in my life when God hasn't been there, very personally, in my life.  Even my earliest memories are of learning about Him and believing in Him.  Yep, yep, yep, I am more than content, I am happy!  Life is good because God is good.

Love and blessings,
Ev

God is faithful even when I fail!

I'm b-a-a-a-ck!

I know, it has been some time.  I thank God that I am back in the Word.  This weekend was spent rearranging my journal.  Oh, how I have missed it.

It is such a weird thing, and I cannot explain it.  I love God's Word and God so much and yet it has been so easy to be trapped in a life of the mundane, day-to-day trivialities of life.

Nevertheless, God is SO GOOD and kind, when I turned back to seeking Him, He did not turn His back on me.  Though I failed, He is so FAITHFUL!  He has not put me into a time out to punish me, nor filled my study time with words of correction and judgement.  Rather, His Words to me have been of love.

Like the Prodigal Son, it was as though He RAN to meet me!!

Studying the Word, meeting with God, letting His Word marinate my heart has a secondary effect of making my heart so full that I long to share the things I see and hear.  That has me going back to my blogs.

It isn't that I feel that I am that much smarter than others, or that I have anything to share that anyone would be interested in reading.  But for some reason, I feel the desire to share.

So, here I am.  And I am praying that God will hold onto me this time so I don't get distracted by some other emotion, situation, or concern.

Love and blessings,
Ev

Hmmmmm!

Something new is going on, not sure what to make of it. Hmmmm.

For those of you who don't know, I love to sing. I tend to be a little shy about it, and I wouldn't say I am a good singer. However, from kindergarten, I have been told over and over by others (friends and even strangers) that I have a beautiful voice/a beautiful singing voice.

I have been part of church choirs, praise bands, and worship teams, as well as a church soloist in the past. I love singing because it is one more way for me to communicate the love of God and my love for Him.

Since we moved to AZ, I have tried a couple of times to get involved in the music ministry at church. The two music ministers we have had both showed no interest whatsoever. After a while, I kind of figured that God was finished with that area of gifting in my life. I am getting older, and I do not look like what you'd normally expect to see. So, I just let it go.

Interestingly, out of the blue several months ago some friends were over and I was sitting with Olivia (baby granddaughter) and my good friend, Helen. Olivia had a toy that would sing a phrase, and I really liked the sound of it, so I repeated the phrase after the toy. My friend stopped and told me that I have a beautiful voice and have I ever done any singing. So I told her of my history.

Somehow it got to the point that she asked me to sing something for them. How embarrassing!!! It is so scary to sing for a small group like that! Much less frightening to sing in front of a large group. Anyway, I got one of the song accompaniment trax that I have, "El Shadai" and sang for them. As it turned out that particular song has a very special meaning for them. So, that was it.

Interestingly, this week, Helen and I with several other friends spent Friday night watching some of my videos of Jordan/Jerusalem. While we were there, Helen brought up my singing and asked me to sing. I started to sing "El Shadai" a'Capella, but forgot the words halfway through since it had been so long since I had really practiced it.

The next day was our Alpha Course weekend, where Nieva, another friend who had been at the event the night before, asked me to sing for the group. Now, I have to tell you that this small group of my friends are so dear to me that it is very difficult for me to disappoint or refuse them. So, I called my son and asked him to bring my disc over. I did sing the song for the group, again forgetting the words. There wasn't much reaction, so maybe I was too nervous. Or, maybe they were embarrassed by the performance.

Anyway, haven't thought overly much about it, other than thanking God for the love and encouragement of my sweet friends. This morning I read the following:

Arise and shine for your light has come
Don't sit in darkness and moan
For the Lord your God has come to rescue you
I have need of you and the talents and gifts I have given to you.
Claudia Mondesire

This word just really hit me after this weekend's events. Anyway, all I will say is: Hmmmmmmm?

Love,
Ev

There and back again . . .

Hi!

We've started something new for us in our family, family meetings. Once (sometimes twice) a week, we all sit down to a time of open communication and discussion. Wow! For me, this has been so BIG. I tend to be a bit (ha!) passive aggressive in dealing with inter-personal issues, which means rather than talking about things, I stuff them down and become depressed, angry, sad, and isolated. Yeah! Great way to become crazy and to make all those around you crazy as well.

I have found that our family meetings have helped me to open up and share the things that bother me and to share my feelings. It also has given others the opportunity to share their feelings and their heart with me. I cannot tell you how much this has meant and what a difference it has made in our family! I think the thing you find out is that the other person was not trying to hurt you or treat you badly, they were operating from one perspective with no idea what your perspective might be. Amazing!

I was so disappointed when I found that I could not move out when I planned to, but now I am SO VERY GRATEFUL that I didn't. Staying has given me and my family the opportunity to get to really know and understand one another better than we ever did, including my son and I. I feel that my love and appreciation for my family is growing day by day and deepening as I learn to know them for who they truly are rather than for the image/perception I have had of them. I am beginning to see depths I did not realize were there.

Two things I specifically want to mention that have really touched me. My granddaughter, Gabi, I have come to recognize as such a mature, beautiful spirit. I mean, I knew she was special, but I have come to appreciate her wisdom, loving spirit, and compassion so much more than I comprehended previously.

The second is my son, Amir. As I watch him dealing with a household of three women (sometimes emotional), I see in him a love and strength and wisdom I did not realize he possessed. He sometimes surprises me with his ability to understand and speak into a situation with respect and love for each of us. And let me tell you, for a man to be able to balance his love for his mom and his wife and his daughter in emotional situations, that is such a BIG THING! A truly remarkable man!

Yes, I just have to say that I am learning to love and appreciate my family so much more than I am ashamed to say I did. I am just so glad that God decided that I needed to stay much more than I needed to go. I guess He does always know what is the best for us.

Love,
Ev

The times (of my life) they are a-changing!

OK, it is "official"! I am moving out! As many of you probably know, I moved to Arizona three years ago with my oldest son, his family, and my youngest son, a total of 6 humans and one little dog. We have all shared one big house as the two new babies were added to our "tribe" until a month or so ago when my youngest son moved out.

Throughout my life, I have never lived alone. After high school, I got married and moved from my parents' home into my ex-husband's apartment. For a part of my marriage, we lived with his family in Amman, Jordan, which was a wonderful experience that prepared me to live with my son and his family. After my divorce, I lived with at least one of my sons. Now it seems that it is time to step out on my own. The thing that comes to mind is the old show "That Girl" from the 60's with Marlo Thomas or "The Mary Tyler Show." I feel as though I am stepping out into a new experience as an single adult woman, an individual, perhaps it is long overdue.

So, it is with a mixture of nerves and excitement that I begin looking for an apartment. (Anybody know of any in the area??) Wow! My very own place, just me and Piper! How exciting! And I hope it doesn't sound selfish, but it will be so nice to just worry about myself for a change. Not that anyone has wanted me to be worried about them, or that anyone has needed me to take care of them for a LONG time. But my nature has been to feel that I need to be there to protect my sons and Amir's family, trying to make everything easier for them. (It could be argued that rather than making things easier, I have only made them more difficult.) Anyway, it is time to entrust their futures to God and to their own choices. And it is time to focus on my future, on my walk with God and His purposes for my life. Whew, it is a little scary. No more hiding behind the needs of others, I have to step out and step up and set my heart on my own future.

So, I ask for your prayers that I can find just the right place that I will LOVE!! I need a place I can afford, but I so long for one that gives me space for study and writing, as well as a place for all my books. I do need a place that will accept my little Piper, and I would SO LOVE a 1st floor place, where I can take her right out side without having to go up and down stairs. Although, my health could probably do with some stairs. I also want to have a washer/dryer in the apartment so I don't have to go out to do laundry. I also need prayers for furniture. Right now I only have bedroom furniture and bookshelves. Everything else was left behind in IL when I moved out to AZ. I would love to find some great garage-sale bargains and eclectic items to surround myself with. I'm not a great decorator, so some items that would give me inspiration would help.

I can't tell you how excited I am and at the same time, how nervous. But I believe that God has some new things to do in my life, and I am so looking forward to what He has planned for me. Again, asking for lots of prayers!

Love,
Ev

Responses to "Boys"

I received a couple of responses to this post that I wanted to share with you because they made a difference in my thoughts and my heart regarding my son. They moved me to talk with him in a way I haven't talked to him in quite a while. Thank you so much Dawn and Ginger for your thoughts and wisdom.

From Dawn:

Ev…what a son cannot share outright with his mom, he shares deep inside his heart. I know this for a fact because I have a brother and my mom felt the same way you did. I wasn't until my mom was suffering with lung cancer that the true "son" came out…my brother led my mom to her eternal home with Jesus Christ and we were all a witness to it. He was a master of ceremonies, so to speak! That's when I truly saw the love my brother had for my mom and the tenderness that he couldn't share with her while she was with us…that tenderness and love that was deep within his heart is what enabled my mom to go safely "home." Don't feel sad…feel glad that God gave you those sons for a special reason, in a due season! Love and blessings to you…

From Ginger:

Because you are a mature, beautifully souled, wise, woman of God with many talents and gifts I am going to speak to you very honestly because I love you so much. " Faithful are the wounds of a friend " the bible says, right? Reread the first paragraph of your letter. It was God's Spirit speaking through you and right on truth. Reread the second paragraph. The saying you quoted is what the world says perhaps but is it what the Word says? Jesus said He (and we) should make no disinction between Jew or Gentile or male or female and are all equally loved by God. Because we have God's indwelling Holy Spirit neither should we. Who do you think is speaking to you these lies which sadden and depress you? Not God - Who is able to do all things concerning love and godliness in our lives.
I have had five sons and one son in law, soon to be two grandsons, and two wonderful daughters, two daughters in law and two granddaughters. I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is no difference - They ALL really want you to hold them and tell them you love them. It is ALWAYS a mothers place, duty, and privelege to do these things.They DO want to talk to you, be comforted, encouraged, and touched. Wives and mothers are not competing or taking the place of one another but sharing in the sons love in unique and different but important ways.
Some daughters ( like some sons) might apperar to not want comfort, love, or touch but ALL normal humans are initially made by the Lord to need, seek, and desire fullfillment of these needs.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and wisdom, I have already taken them to heart and acted on them.

Love,
Ev

Boys!

You know, for a long time (since I was blessed with 3 sons) I have thought that sons were the best. I was so happy that I had 3 boys instead of girls. I mean don't take this the wrong way if you have beautiful, wonderful daughters. I just felt that boys were much easier to raise, especially for someone of my temperament. Boys seem to have much less drama in their lives, and I don't do drama well.

But tonight I am sitting here feeling a little sad for having sons. The saying goes, "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life." And it suddenly hit me tonight how true that statement is. Sometimes you see a son going through something tough and you just ACHE to hold them and to tell them you love them and that it will be all right, but you just know that it isn't your place any more. They don't want to talk to you about it, they don't want you to comfort them or encourage them or even to touch them. They go to their wives for that.

And suddenly I realize that if it was my daughter, she would still come to me. She would still share her heart with me. I would still have a place in her life.

So, I guess the drama is not such a bad thing when you consider that you will still have a piece of their hearts later on. Sometimes it is so hard to be the mom of adult sons.

Love,
Ev